No matter what your take on politics, you have to admit that today’s economy is a little scary. Of course, it’s cyclical – every 10 years or so, there is an economic downturn, and this time it’s been whipped into a veritable frenzy by the media, who at this point are so proud of themselves for learning the bare basics of the markets that they can’t stop writing about them – like little kids who enjoy making potty all the time.

Is the economy really this bad, or do we just think it is? So many people believe what they read (although, of course, what you’re reading at this very moment is a very important and quotable document) that the downturn has certainly become worse than it was intended to be by nature. People are scared, and houses are for sale, and Circuit City and Linens ‘n’ Things are gone from strip malls all over the world (though how a store whose owners were too lazy to spell out the word and or who were so vague as to call more than half their inventory things stayed in business as long as it did beats the hell out of me). Add Bernie Madoff to the mix (I didn’t personally lose money, did you?) and confront the number of banks merging and raising interest rates (though that happened all the way through the 1970s, 1980s, 1990s, and early 2000s) and you’ve got a virtual conundrum.

Who knows what our own situations will be? Companies are talking all about layoffs, even in full view of the President, and businesses are scaling back new hires. Even if people aren’t really losing jobs at a rate of 500 million a month (?), there is some good cause for concern if you work in an industry that will be hit hard while the economy struggles to right itself.

Luckily for us, there is a bold, not-so-new movement afoot. I call it green, though of course other people have called it that – wrongly – before me. The time wasn’t right then, No prescription cialis but it is now.

So, let me be the first to welcome you to the Go, Green movement!

Green is considered good for the environment because making things out of artificial products adds more artificial products to the environment. Also, making new stuff – even green stuff – requires energy and raw materials, which also is bad for the environment.

I know, I know – it’s all scientific and confusing, but let me spell it out to you in laymen’s terms: vintage is in!

Granted, not all of us go for vintage. There’s a certain mustiness and threadbare quality to many items one would buy second-hand, and most of us aren’t allowed to go to our jobs looking like hobos.

However, most of us do have the basics of a good wardrobe: a good dark suit and, should we be socially inclined, a tuxedo. Suits are generally made of wool, which requires sheep, and since no one eats mutton these days, sheep are out. I’m sorry to announce this to sheep farmers, but sheep fart, and farting causes carbon monoxide emissions, and if your sheep aren’t being eaten, they require a lot of graveyard space. Or freezer space, if you’re inclined to save the sheep meat pending the popular return of the mutton buffet. And freezers use energy and are made of all kinds of artificial materials. So no freezers, either.

Long story short, you should hold on to your existing suits and tuxedos. You’ll save money, which is not necessarily good for the economy but will be good to have if you lose your job, and if you lose your job, you’ll need a suit for job interviews and maybe a tuxedo to wear during your part-time bartending job. You’ll also save the world needing more sheep, and that’s good for the environment.

Instead of buying new shoes, you can have your existing ones refurbished and resoled. Ask the shoe repair people if they can use sheep leather, which will use up some of those extra sheep, but if not, there also seem to be a lot of cows around, and by only resoling your shoes, you’ll be using less of the cow and save slaughtering energy. Cows also emit carbon monoxide, by the way, so using less cow requires fewer cows and fewer cows are good for the environment.

You’ll probably have to buy new shirts, because shirts tend to give out a little quicker than suits and shoes. Here’s the dilemma with new shirts: you can buy shirts made out of organic cotton, which cost more than non-organic cotton (although all cotton is by definition, if not USDA definition, a plant and therefore organic), or you can save money by buying regular cotton shirts.

This is an ethical question and one I can’t make for you. For advice, you might call your accountant, your priest, and Al Gore. One thing I find is that all of the shirts that are available for sale are already manufactured; therefore, it is not going to hurt the environment for you to buy an already-manufactured shirt. Or a shirt made out of existing fabric.

I draw the line, however, at having fields of cotton specially cultivated for private bolts of fabric for your new shirts. This would be neither an economical nor a green practice, and I cannot condone it.

One important thing to remember about shirts is that they should have a suitable collar. This could be a straight collar – which suits most people – or a spread collar, which is more British in fashion and is enjoyed by Royalists or by guys with wider faces, as wider collars look good on wider guys. Almost never – unless you’re a kid or your boss wears them – should you wear a button-down collar with a suit. Button-down collars are really considered casual-wear. Also, there is no reason to buy the confusing tab-collar shirt, unless for some reason you require a mysterious and useless added security feature under your chin.

Your cuffs should be French cuffs, unless you are under aged 20, in which case it’s mildly acceptable to have barrel cuffs. Keep in mind that barrel cuffs require those buttons which are always coming off and making you look like an extra from The Killing Fields.

Ties go in and out of fashion. The firm rule is that your tie should be the same width as your lapels, but there are certainly exceptions. If you are in a rock band, you can wear a skinny tie (2.5 inches). If you are an IT guy or T-shirt designer who works from his garage, you can wear a narrow tie (2.75 inches). If you’re young and on the slim side, you can get away with a slim tie, which will measure between three and 3.5 inches, and if you’re a banker or a lawyer – or in a profession in which classic and traditional are the only way to go – choose a tie that’s as wide as 3.75 inches.

Wider than that, and there’s one of two looks you’ll achieve: with a cheap fabric, you’ll look like a clown, and with a luxury fabric, you’ll look like a CEO of a not-floundering company.

If you’re old enough, you’ll probably have existing ties that will fit the current fashion. It’s a tough time, and that calls for serious neckwear (just to warn you, skirts will also be longer – they always are during a lukewarm economy). Striped ties (please, make that stripe on the bias and not directly horizontal), foulards, paisleys, small prints, and tone-on-tones will work, though a one-color tie is going to make you look like Regis Philbin circa Who Wants to Be a Millionaire?

If you’re not old enough to have a collection of suitable ties, look for vintage finds or new deals. Silkworms hardly expel any carbon monoxide at all, so lots of them are not going to create too many environmental problems, though they have been over-cultivated and have evolved, or de-volved, if you will. Because of this, they have not such a great quality of life – so it may be kinder to utilize their services than just let them hang around.

Bling is definitely not big for the current economic crisis. However, without a little bit of flash, you’ll look as if you’re kowtowing to the Calamity. Or as if you’re a hobo.

Pocket squares are out. In this era of trimming excess fussiness, something that looks like it would hold extraneous mucus but which is not meant to truly hold extraneous mucus is just grandmotherly and unfathomable. Your belt should be leather and about 1.5 inches wide and the buckle should be metal. Your belt must be new, because old belts get wear lines that make them look old, and the real idea of vintage chic is that you should look new and hip, not worn-out and sad. Your watch should be understated – sell the old diamond-encrusted Rolex and feed a small nation for a few days – and it should match your cufflinks, which are necessary to hold your cuffs together.

Cufflinks are far more environmentally friendly than buttons, because they can be reused. There are probably millions of tons of broken and unwanted buttons in landfills in America alone, while cufflinks are cherished and handed down through generations – very green and very economical.

With some forethought, you can weather the current economic crisis in style and with a nod toward the environment. Style is about doing a lot with a little. Green is about being good to the world. And certainly, you’ll agree, you looking better is going to be a good thing for the world.

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Category: World Affairs
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