Recently my kids moved me to an assisted-living community. They got tired of playing dominoes with me. So here I am, in Los Angeles, California, surrounded by a bunch of people “my own age”, and all we do is play dominoes and sing church songs and watch talk shows.

My kids are right. Dominoes are boring.

So you know what I did? I got tired of sitting around and watching life go by. I don’t have that much time left on this earth, so I might as well go crazy. I pulled myself off my cushion and went and grabbed the phone book. Then I started canvassing Los Angeles for limo rentals. All us old folk are going to bust out of here for a day of limo rides. We’ll take some of the sweet nurses with us, and we’ll paint the town…a respectable shade of pink. But, hey, fun is fun, no matter what color it is.

When I started calling around, I didn’t know what questions to ask, except “How much is this going to cost me?” and “Do you allow pit stops?” Then I found a great company that rents limos that aren’t so expensive. The girl who answered the phone was really sweet and helpful, and when she found out I wanted to get me and my friends (and some of the nice nurses) out of the home for a while, she got really enthusiastic. She thought it was a great idea. Right then and there, she got approval from her boss to give me a special deal, and helped me organize the whole trip: How many limos I needed, the drinks for the bar, the denture-friendly snacks. She even reserved a restaurant for us in downtown Los Angeles.

So why limos, you ask? I don’t know. It just seems like fun. It’ll make me feel young again. It’ll make my neighbor with major hearing loss and bladder control problems feel young again. It’ll make the poor nurses who earn minimum wage and deal with bedpans all day feel important, feel — I don’t know — like they’re somebody special.

Plus, when you get to my age, you start looking back at all the memories you had over the years. You get tired of looking back, and you want to start making new memories, you want to start looking forward to the future. A limo reminds you that life isn’t over, that it can be glamorous again.

None of the other residents know about the surprise, so keep your mouth shut. They think we’re going to the zoo Saturday — again. But we’re not. The limos are going to roll up to the front door. The chauffeurs, in their cute black hats, are going to get out of the black limousines and hold the doors open for us. And then we’ll bust out of here, just like Julia Roberts and Robert De Niro.

And, no, my kids aren’t invited. Let them stay home and play dominoes.

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Category: Entertainment
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