Defiant behavior in children can come from many sources. When defiant behavior is due to a child\’s continual sense of frustration, one of the best tools for helping such a child is listening.

Intentional, one-on-one, knee-to-knee, look\’em-in-the-eye listening.

Let me put it this way. If you cannot remember the last time you and your child had a good old-fashioned heart-to-heart conversation, with your child doing the abundance of the talking, then you have an excellent clue as to what is missing in your relationship with your child and the next thing to focus on while dealing with your child\’s defiant behavior.

– Why listening is important.
Your child – today – is looking for someone to really listen to him.

He may not be aware of that, of course. Nonetheless, it is true.

Human beings are wired to connect deeply with one another. Let me ask you something. In your life right now, when you need to talk seriously about something, who do you turn to?

Why?

Usually people turn to others they trust and feel secure with when it comes time for deep personal conversations. Your child is no different. So the very first thing you can do to become a person of significant influence in your child\’s life – whether she\’s 4 or 14 – is to develop a daily habit of deeply listening to her.

When you listen regularly and with great care to your child in this manner, something amazing begins to happen.

Walls that your child had put up around her start to wobble, just a little. Trust begins to build, ever so cautiously. This is a crucial time in your relationship with your child. She is deciding if you are worthy of her trust. She may even test you by discussing something that she thinks you would feel is a bit shocking.

She is watching for your reaction. She wants to know if she shares her true self with you, you won\’t criticize or abandon her. Mom or Dad, you need to pass this test!

– Building security and trust through listening.
When your child knows he can come to you at any time and you will genuinely listen, much defiant behavior will evaporate. This is a child who knows his needs are heard and his concerns are carefully considered.

There are guidelines to establishing this type of listening relationship, however. These are the concrete actions that will tell your child you are serious about listening to her.

* Undivided attention. No papers, no cell phone, no TV, no computer. Just you and your child. Period.

* Reflect back what you hear. This does 2 helpful things in a conversation. First of all, it insures you have heard your child correctly and secondly, helps him KNOW he was heard. It proves to your child you are actually paying attention and not thinking about something else.

* Giving your time is a sacrifice. It takes a commitment of time to listen well and consistently to someone. It\’s not a passing thing you can jam into 60 seconds. As a parent, it\’s your job to give your time to your child as is necessary.

Listening is more than necessary. It is the key to a healthy relationship. If you are not fully listening to your child on an ongoing basis, you don\’t honestly know that child. It\’s just not possible without active listening.

Sometimes your child will need to talk when it\’s inconvenient for you. Well, maybe that will be most of the time, actually! That\’s okay. Do it. Give up an hour\’s sleep now and then. Miss out on your favorite TV program this week. Ignore your cell phone for a while.

And spend time with another amazing human being. Your son or daughter.

Defiant behavior in children can be a tough problem to fix. Making the commitment to seriously listen to your child as one of your priorities can make this challenge much easier to address.

One conversation at a time.

Author Bio: Is your child dishing out too much drama? Let Colleen Langenfeld show you tips on parenting you can use right now at http://www.paintedgold.com . Get a free behavior log plus more key strategies of dealing with defiant behavior in children today.

Category: Parenting
Keywords: defiant behavior in children,defiant children,defiant behavior