Responsibility is a term we use in psychology that can create confusion in domestic abuse victim advocacy. For example, who is responsible for the pain of verbal abuse in marriage? Is it the abuser or is it the domestic abuse survivor?

We are indoctrinated into believing that the perpetrator is always responsible for his/her battering behavior. As with any behavior, other people are responsible for their behavior and you are solely responsible for yours. Added to this are your thoughts, beliefs and feelings. You are responsible for your thoughts, beliefs and feelings; and others are responsible for theirs.

That being said, look closer with me to see what appears to be the other side of the coin. Or shall I say, the deeper meaning of responsibility and accountability in abusive interaction.

Verbal Abuse in Marriage

When your spouse speaks harshly to you and uses abusive language to hurt you, you feel the brunt of his/her verbal abuse. Correct? And from domestic abuse victim advocacy, we know he/she is responsible for his/her abusive behavior.

However, it is also true that his/her words will hurt you to the extent that you have wounds that are touched by what he/she says. Moreover, your wounds are touched to the extent that you personalize what he/she has said.

The second agreement in Don Miguel Ruiz’ “The Four Agreements” is “Don’t take anything personally.” If someone tosses a verbal sword at you and you see this sword as having everything to do with that person, the poison in his/her words does not hurt you…because it’s very clear to you that it is not about you.

Responsibility and Verbal Abuse in Marriage

When you fully embrace this principle underlying the agreement “don’t take anything personally,” you are better equipped to deal with verbal abuse in marriage. Instead of the abusive language paralyzing you, it alerts you to be aware of yourself as separate from the emotional poison and the person delivering it.

From here, you can appreciate that the person tossing the verbal darts is fully responsible for his/her behavior and you are fully responsible for your reaction to his/her behavior.

You can let that person know that you won’t tolerate an atmosphere of emotional toxicity and remain untouched by it. And your partner can grow to become accountable for his/her expression and take responsibility for the underlying pain inspiring it.

The Lessons of Responsibility and Accountability in Domestic Abuse Counseling

As you and your partner become more adept in personal responsibility and accountability, you both deal more effectively with the ups and downs of daily interaction. Let’s face it, there are moments of irritability in life and your communication skills are your means of navigating these troubled waters.

Now, in no way, do I mean to suggest that verbal abuse is acceptable in marriage, nor is it your responsibility to manage it. To the contrary, verbal abuse is not acceptable and it is not you job to control it. Your responsibility is to manage your experience and you behavior as you seek to stop verbal abuse in marriage.

Author Bio: For more information about verbal abuse in marriage, visit www.enddomesticabuse.org/domestic_violence_trt.php and claim Free Instant Access to Survivor Success eInsights. Psychologist Dr. Jeanne King, Ph.D. helps couples nationwide recognize, end and heal from domestic abuse. ©Jeanne King, Ph.D. – Domestic Abuse Prevention and Intervention

Category: Marriage
Keywords: Verbal abuse in marriage,verbal abuse,domestic abuse,abusive relationships,verbally abusive,