I hate that I am not perfect. It bugs me to no end. Why do I have to be so flawed…so weak in some areas…so prone to undermining the very highest ideals of my own aspirations for myself? Am I so broken by life in general that I cannot get up inside whenever I really want to? I mean up…all the way up. Standing tall…the highest prayer. The evidence in regard to this question in my life leaves me not satisfied. Ha! How is that for a response, Lord? I\’m not satisfied with my own report card. I guess that could sound presumptuous but I want to do more. I want to be more. Maybe the sticking point is my why? Why do I want it? I ask myself that a lot and I guess the truth is because I know that somewhere inside I can do it. I guess really I just don\’t know how to turn it on.

The strange thing here is that time has passed and I find that the body I am in is getting older. Remember that awful car crash when I was in high school? Well, my neck hurts badly more often than not and there is no way I am letting them operate on my neck! It seems to get worse as I get older. Anyway, the point is with every passing year, I am feeling this intense pressure to pull it altogether as fast as I can. It\’s immense and I have to tell you, God that I am not cutting it. Why is it I lapse into these unproductive behaviors? The other day I didn\’t speak to my husband for the entire day! Every thought I had of him was critical. Where does this come from? Why does my brain do this? The thoughts come and I hear them. Sentence upon sentence of general meanness. Words that are sharp and thorny…and the next thing I know, out it comes from my mouth! Why does it take so long to eliminate that behavior in me? I don\’t care where it comes from or how it started in my world anymore, Lord. Please! Just root it out! That part of me really doesn\’t help.

My son is turning into a man now. I feel completely helpless about what the world will bring to him. I see that my problem is essentially one of trust. I need to trust you. I know that but why am I finding that so hard? I know that you are faithful. I know you always come through. Is this how you feel about me sometimes, God? Do you watch over me that way? Of course, you do. I know you do. That\’s really sweet, you know? Anyway, I\’m stuck there too. I can\’t help but wonder what he thinks about me…my son. He must think I am such a flake! He\’s another reason that I want to be more. I want to be more for him…because I love him. He deserves that.

Do you know what I notice, though? I notice that somehow you have thought to make sure all of my essential needs have been met. I notice that I have a family that loves me even with all of my faults and dogs, who are convinced I hung the moon. I have a home that I can decorate however I want and a yard for pretty flowers. I even planted a tree yesterday. It\’s going to have pink flowers on it, Lord. I know you know that but I just thought I would tell you anyway. I can\’t wait to see it. Actually, it is a tree that got damaged somehow. The main stem got broken and the tree now has several shoots that came out from what\’s left of the main branch. It\’s not going to be a perfect tree. It\’s been flawed but I think it will be beautiful none-the-less.

Mallah Rych Hurst is the editor-in-chief of the online magazine, The Manor Message. She graduated from Southwest Texas State University. She is the author of two children\’s books and a poetry book. She is married and has one son.

Mallah Rych Hurst
Website: http://www.poreepublishing.com
Mallah Rych Hurst is the editor-in-chief of the online magazine,The Manor Message. She graduated in 1992 with a degree in Speech Communication from Southwest Texas State University in San Marcos,Texas. She is married and has one son.

Author Bio: Mallah Rych Hurst is the editor-in-chief of the online magazine, The Manor Message. She graduated from Southwest Texas State University. She is the author of two children\’s books and a poetry book. She is married and has one son.

Category: Religion
Keywords: perfect, trusting god, Christianity, relationships