When you are in a relationship you value, it is important to subscribe to the ABCs of Relationships, mind your P & Qs and everything else from A to Z.

A = Accepting

When in a relationship, it is important to accept your partner as he or she is, instead of always trying to change him or her. If you want to embark on a self-improvement plan, start with yourself. When you don’t like something about your partner, it’s experienced as criticism. When you accept other’s idiosyncrasies, it is the gift of unconditional love.

B = Believe

When you are in a relationship, you must believe in your partner. Believe in their abilities, believe in their dreams, and believe in their love. When you have a partnership, you believe in each other. No one should have more faith in your partner than you do.

C = Communication

Effective communication is critical to the success of intimate relationships.

D = Disagree in Private

Whenever you are having disagreements, discuss them in private. The whole world does not need to know your personal business. When you are with others, including children, parents and friends, do not look to them to take sides. Work out your issues with no spectators.

E = Encourage

Encouraging your partner is about being his or her cheerleader, helping him/her to do things s/he wants to do.

F = Friendship

When you are in a successful relationship, your partner is someone you genuinely like and with whom you share common interests. When important things happen you are excited to tell your significant other. You don\’t try to manipulate him or her. You share a genuine friendship.

G = Gratitude

Be grateful every moment for your loved one\’s presence in your life. You never know when a life is going to end. And remember, your loved one has a choice. He or she can always find another who will show more gratitude. Gratitude doesn\’t make you weak; it makes you appealing.

H = Happiness

When you love someone, you want them to know you are happy to be with him/her. Have you ever seen how happy a dog gets when his or her owner comes home? That\’s how happy you want your partner to know you are when you are with him or her.

I = Integrity

Integrity is important in all relationships but is of utmost importance in your intimate one. Say what you do & do what you say withour exception. Do not make promises unless you intend to keep them and when you do promise something, move heaven and earth to make it happen.

J = Eliminate Jealousy

Your partner is not your possession. Jealousy will not bring you closer. Jealousy stems from four root causes: insecurity, past experiences, thinking your partner is your possession and expecting things to never change. Do you know where yours comes from?

K =Kindness

When in a loving relationship, you want to treat your partner with kindness, even when it\’s not returned. You are kind because you never know when either you or your partner will have your last day on earth and you are kind because that is the kind of person you want to be.

L = Listening

I\’m not talking about simply listening to hear. I\’m talking about listening for understanding. Instead of tuning out or just waiting for your partner to take a breath, really listen to try to see where he or she is coming from. You don\’t have to find agreement, just a better understanding. This will really help you when we get to the letter \”N.\”

M = Maintenance

Getting the guy/girl is not the end, but rather just the beginning. What are you doing to nurture your long-term relationship?

N = Negotiating Differences

In any relationship, there will be times when you want different things. Most of the time, when you and someone else want different things, you try to figure out how you can get what you want.

When you are negotiating differences, you have a completely different mindset. Now you are concerned with both getting what you want AND helping the other person get what he or she wants too. When you have this mindset of both win, it becomes relatively easy to find a solution.

O = Openness

Transparency is important in a loving relationship. Being a private person is great, but in a loving relationship, you don\’t want to keep secrets from your partner. A long term committed relationship is a huge gift you give one another. Reward each other with transparency so a strong bond of trust can develop.

P = Pamper

Don’t just pamper your partner when you are getting to know each other. Continue the pampering forever! Instead of focusing on the things your partner does that are annoying to you, put your focus on the things you love. When you focus on the positive, you’d be surprised at how easy it is to continue the pampering long after the “I Dos.”

Q = Quixotic

I know, I was definitely reaching for a “Q” word here but allow me to provide the definition since I never knew this word before searching the dictionary. According to Webster, quixotic means: absurdly or extravagantly romantic or chivalrous. It goes right along with Pamper. Don’t stop the romance or chivalry just because you “got” the guy or girl. Continue it forever. The more you love each other, the more you will love each other.

R = Respecting

Respecting is about listening to learn what your partner needs to feel respected and then giving it to him or her. Do not respect your partner the way you wish your partner would respect you. You will probably miss the mark as your picture of respect likely looks different. Focus on the platinum, rather than the golden, rule: \”Do unto others as they would have you do unto them.\”

T= Trusting

If you want to have a meaningful and healthy relationship, then you are going to have to trust your partner. Trust is one of the important building blocks of healthy relationships. Trust is a choice you make; it\’s not necessarily something a person must earn. That being said, however, if your partner has shown he or she is not trustworthy in certain areas, then trust him or her to continuing being who they have shown you to be. Don\’t expect a cat to turn into a dog.

U = Understanding

If I had to list the most important quality in a relationship, I would say it\’s the quest for understanding. I say \”quest\” because I don\’t believe you can ever fully understand another person but the desire to work at better understanding will help a relationship last in a very healthy atmosphere.

V =Value Each Other

There will be times when you aren\’t able to understand your partner because he or she does or sees something so differently than you do. When this happens, instead of devaluing your partner, value him or her as bringing something different or a new perspective to the situation.

W =Win/Win/Win

In Secrets of Happy Couples, I talk about having a win/win/win whenever you are able to negotiate your differences so both of you are satisfied with the outcome. You win, your partner wins and the third win occurs because your relationship grows stronger for going through the process.

X =X-rated

Be sure to schedule some X-rated time with your partner into the busyness of your life. Connecting with each other in a sexual way is an important part of maintaining closeness and it\’s a great stress reliever too!

Y = Yin / Yang

Maintain the balance in your relationship. Sometimes you will carry the load, sometimes your partner will and often you will share it. Balance is the key.

Z = Zest

Maintain your energy and excitement when you are with your partner so he or she knows how happy you are to be together.

Follow these Relationship ABCs so your relationship will sizzle not fizzle!

Kim Olver, helps people get along better with the important people in their lives, including themselves, at home and at work. She is the award winning author of Secrets of Happy Couples: Loving Yourself, Your Partner, and Your Life,