At some point in time, we will all experience the loss of someone we love. Who it is and when it happens are probably the only things we cannot control or know in advance. The bigger tragedy is to lose many or all of them at one go, such as in an earthquake or horrific accident. For most of us, we get through the whole experience in one piece but for many, it takes many, many years to finally come to terms with it.

The first thing we must remember is that handling the loss of someone we love is never easy. Even the word “handling” is not the best word to use in times like these because it gives the impression that it is an experience that we must master. Indeed, as anyone who has gone through the whole experience of grief knows, the feeling is not something that can be understood, much less mastered. Probably a better word would be “dealing” as this carries the connotation of having to live with the feeling for awhile, rather than mastering it.

Whether or not we had anticipated the loss, there are different stages of emotions that we go through which we may not necessarily experience in the same order as the next person:

– Shock
– Denial
– Emotional release
– Depression, loneliness or a sense of being alone
– Feelings of panic
– Guilt
– Anger or rage
– Hope
– Acceptance as we adjust our lives to reality

These emotions may manifest themselves in more obvious ways:
-Physical symptoms of distress such as fidgeting, constant anxiety, sleeplessness, nightmares, weepiness and sporadic mental disorientation
-Inability to return to usual activities

In more severe unmonitored cases, these may lead to anti-social behavior such as extreme hostility, suicidal or even homicidal tendencies. These, of course, are not the norm for those going through grief.

It is possible that any one of these emotions may be experienced more than once; feelings of anger and rage, for example, may disappear and be replaced by acceptance, only to come back again at a later stage. This is why the process of going through grief is different from one individual to another.

To make matters even more confusing, we may go through these different emotions simultaneously. Feelings of anger and guilt, for instance, may overlap at the same time making it even more difficult to cope with. For some, this is an impossible task without professional help.

Those who have gone through such deep pain will be the first to say that the only way we can survive such strong emotions is through time and support. Having enough time to feel and process each emotion and having enough support to hold us up when we are feeling overwhelmed are the best remedies to dealing with the loss of a loved one. When it comes to support, nothing is better than emotional and physical support – emotional support like having understanding people around and physical support with friends and family providing help with the simple tasks of food and helping with the housework.

We must also allow for a period of adjustment. Adjusting to daily life with the person now gone is not as easy as it sounds. The loss of a spouse, for instance, is traumatic enough on its own and to top it off, having to go through each day without him or her around is trauma on its own. For most, even the simplest task of having a cup of coffee in the morning is not the same for many years. Some may even skip that lifelong habit altogether.

It is no wonder then that there are many who buckle under the pressure of losing someone they love. This is where professional help comes in. We must never believe that seeing a therapist, psychologist or psychiatrist for ourselves or someone we love is a sign of weakness. Instead, we should see it as an alternative route to healing from grief.

Dealing with acute internal rage, for instance, is difficult especially when it is manifested in extreme ways like outbursts of temper that are accompanied by physical force or other similar anti-social behavior. It is in times like these that having a professional to refer such occurrences to will be useful.

Coping with the loss of someone dear is no easy task. It is a high investment of time, energy and will that normally pays off in the end in complete healing from grief.

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