“I can’t believe I just said that!” Everyone who is human has made that statement more times than they care to admit. Nothing tastes as bad as a foot in the mouth. All too often, hot emotions or the fury of the moment leads us to say things that aren’t true except that they hurt. The sad thing is, this happens most often with those to whom we are closest. And invariably, after we blurt out hurtful words, a small border skirmish that could have been easily resolved threatens to turn into the next world war.

Every couple has seen this happen more than once. If you haven’t seen a couple argue, you may think that the partners don’t care enough to raise any disputes, or they have a really strange relationship. Hopefully, this is just due to the fact that the partners respect each other enough, and have enough class, not to argue in public. You can be sure there are storms in the relationship. After all, two people operating in close proximity are bound to have some abrasions from constantly rubbing elbows. Given that they are, after all, individuals raised in different ways and products of different environments, they can be likened to two continental tectonic plates rubbing against each other – and that creates earthquake and volcano zones. The thing about arguments is that they can be useful. They allow venting, expression of hurt feelings, and can show a way to settle differences.

Partners need to understand the usefulness of communication that can be had from an argument. They need to understand what arguments are and how to use them to good effect. Arguments should never devolve into shouting matches, contests of will, or plain old nastiness. That’s a surefire way for someone’s belongings to get thrown over the balcony or onto the lawn. Lawyers love nasty arguments. Differences are usually irreconcilable only because one or both partners don’t know how to keep them from becoming so. Understanding that, it’s important to spot the verbal warning signs that point the way down a rocky relationship road.

“It’s all your fault!” Now really – what does this mean? Absolutely nothing. How can “all” of anything be any one person’s fault? As a macabre example, you could say World War II and the Holocaust were “all” Hitler’s fault. Sorry, not true. Plenty of people jumped on the Nazi bandwagon. Similarly, you and your significant other are partners; and whatever is roiling your relationship is a complex combination that the two of you have haplessly engineered. This simple statement destroys the usefulness of any argument. It attempts to lay blame. Arguments are for finding solutions.

“See! I told you so!” This nasty rejoinder ranks right next to the previous. Again, it negates the usefulness of an argument. What’s particularly nasty about using this phrase is that it may heap embarrassment onto a partner who might already be feeling somewhat contrite about having made a bad choice. Why rub it in? Does it make you feel better? There’s nothing constructive about the statement. It implies a superiority to the user who’s not really superior. It’s about as helpful as using gasoline to put out a fire.

“Why do you always …?” If a partner, along with the two previous, uses this crude phrase as well, then that partner is pretty clueless as to how to build and maintain a relationship. Once again, it projects a “better than you” image. If the partner feels superior to the other, maybe that partner is in the wrong partnership. To be sure, each of the two has their perspectives, their ideals. Some of those may even be the reasons they’re together. Don’t ruin a perfectly good argument with this mean-spirited, egomaniacal phrase.

We were all created with certain inalienable rights. We can each have an opinion about anything. We can do things the way we like to do them. If your thoughts are better than your partners – in your opinion – discuss it. If there’s a better way to do something – in your opinion – show the other how and why. If partners say they love each other, that love is not real unless it is accompanied by a great degree of respect. That respect should never let attacks get out of hand. Laying the blame is the lazy way out and shows a carelessness that should not be accepted in any relationship.

So, what is a good argument? One that lets each partner vent and display hurt feelings. Then, it requires getting to the crux of the matter. What are you really arguing about? Stick to that issue for as long as possible, hopefully until resolution. Don’t start introducing new differences until the initial one is resolved. Nothing hurts more than to start bringing up other matters and piling it all up until things become unmanageable. Add to that the last strategy of attempting to lay blame and you’ve ruined a good argument altogether. Backtrack and approach your difficulties once again, this time armed with love and respect.

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Category: Relationships
Keywords: relationships, advice, marriage, love